Wednesday, February 18, 2009

10 Rules for Life

Today I'm going to grace you with the accumulated wisdom of my 55 years. You'll thank me later.

1. Never wear clothes that fit tighter than your own skin. Once you start to get baggy, your clothes should, too.

2. If you don’t have curtains on you front door, don’t wander around your foyer in your underwear.

3. Never sip hot beverages through a straw.
Corollary #1: Never chew aluminum foil.
Corollary #2: Never outline a quarter with a pencil and then roll the quarter down the bridge of your nose.

4. If you’re not handing out candy, don’t decorate your house for Halloween. This is the definition of being a jerk. Don’t do it.

5. You’re only the center of your own universe. No matter how spectacularly important you feel inside your own head, you don’t have the right to:
o Get into the express lane with a full cart of groceries
o Make left-hand turns from the curb lane
o Expect people to know what you’re thinking (if God had meant us to read each other’s minds, he would have put digital readouts on our foreheads).

6. Never take a bar bet from a drunk. If the guy that’s always parked on the third stool from the end says he can tie a cigarette into a knot without breaking it, he probably can. This one can be generalized into: know when you’re out of your league.

7. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So even if Mr. Wonderful is Prince Charming, Sir Lancelot and Bill Gates all rolled into one, if he has 12 exes, understand that you’re about to round out a baker’s dozen.

8. People’s default behavior, despite their best intentions and years of expensive therapy, reflects the values with which they were raised. So if you don’t like your in-laws, be aware that at some point you’re going to stumble across attitudes from your honey that you’re not going to much care for, either.

9. Wherever you go, there you are. After my first divorce, it was frustrating to encounter many of the same issues with my new husband, who seemed so different from spouse number one. When the very same issues showed up a third time, however, my inner logic was merciless in pointing out that the constant in these equations was me.

10. Never buy into to rules for living based on someone else’s mistakes. The idiocies you commit will be uniquely your own.

As a bonus, I challenge any of my readers who are up for it to create a similar posts of life lessons. Just think how much wiser we'll all be after we read them!

25 comments:

Louise said...

I'm in for that...I'll let you know when it's up! Of course, it'll be such a stupendous post that you'll want to read it (and I'm firmly at the centre of my own universe).

Dedene said...

I'll try to rise to the occasion. As Louise, I'll let you know when I've thought it through.
You are so funny!

Lilly's Life said...

Oh my I wish I had read these a bit earlier. Hilarious and so wise at the same time. I am so jealous but I have lived some of these lessons already. Oh I love no 1 wht a good rule of thumb, lol.

Jan said...

I love it. Unfortunately my husband is into No.2 big time. Too bad for the neighbors! And of course I am up for your challenge but it will take me the day to sort them out. Our patients give me lots of ideas for what not to do so I will keep an eye out today.

ladyfi said...

Wow - so wise, so witty, so profound.

Loved this post!

K said...

This is a great post. Knowing when your out of your league is important so I think I'll pass on the lessons post for now.

Maybe I'll do a how to survive the first two years of your kids life post - I might be able to handle that.

(I miss my blog a bit too - I have one more guest post and then I'll be back in action full time.)

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh you are so awesome. I love this post. We were thinking along similar lines -- cept of course you're on a higher plane.

Too bad posh spice didn't follow rule #1. And oh crap, do I have to buy curtains?

CDB said...

Ditto on that, I love this post as well. How are you always so wise AND funny? It took me a while to learn #8 (my FIL is also super cheap!)

I echo K's comment, I'm out of my league on the lessons. What do I know?

Debby said...

Okay, I'm game. Just not especially profound right this minute. I'll let you know when I come up with something, and link to you and Blicky.

buffalodick said...

Very good! I did something similar and called the post "The Chronicles of Buffalo Dick".. My very first post on my blog was how when you turn 50, you become invisible- and no one listens to you anymore!

rachael said...

Nice, great advice, number 7 and 8 really make a lot of sense, and # 3 corolllary #2, made me laugh out LOUD!

ella said...

Excellent post. I especially like #4. No one should advertise anything they're not ready to produce. works for teenage gir;'s wardrobe choices too.

Real Live Lesbian said...

You rock! And you're the smartest woman I've ever known!

I can only think of one:
What goes in...must come out. Learned from puppies and babies. Except puppies don't mind so much when you have to pull it out. ;)

Rachel Cotterill said...

Ha! So much truth :)

I'm up for the challenge but - as with everyone else - I need a couple of days to think. I haven't had 55 years yet so I'm behind ;)

Comedy Goddess said...

Those are great! Hard act to follow.

Belle said...

You're on!

Chef E said...

So, this means I have six more years to catch up to your wisdom, so I will wait to list things, otherwise they would just be wisecracks...

Right now I live through you guys most of the time, lol

Steven G said...

I ain't got no blog, so here goes:

1. Smile relentlessly

2.There comes a time to stop
mowing the yard without a shirt on

3.Don't always save lovemaking for the last thing in the evening

4.Be aware of other people's grocery carts at all times

5.Pay more attention to the young people in your life

6.Pay more attention to the old people in your life

7.Tailgating is truly tempting fate

8.Never notice another woman, ever

9. View conservatism through liberal eyes and vice versa

10.Keep all bodily excretions inside of the body until you are in private. No nose blowing at dinner tables or spitting out of car windows. Your parents were wrong about this.

Vodka Mom said...

those are bloody brilliant.

Jan said...

OK I came up with ten rules for being a good patient. I was surprised how easily they came to me. Kind of scary actually. Maybe lots of pent up emotions? Too many years of being nice when I don't want to be nice.?

Far Side of Fifty said...

I second the aluminum foil one, and that is because sometimes I hoard really old sticks of gum in my coat pocket and the foil sticks to the gum..not pleasant:)

Debbie said...

This post is a prime example of why I love your blog. Just a wonderful list. Funny and insightful at the same time. I just might have to give this one a go.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

A to the Men on #5. Love it. And I love, LOVE advice from the more experienced.

Dr Zibbs said...

I like that Halloween tip.

Found your blog through Chaka.

Mammatalk said...

This is such a great post.Let me thunk on it a bit!

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