Old Joke #3

This is in honor of Dan J., who recently de-lurked and left a comment. Dan was my boss at my former job, and would have saved me from being laid off if he hadn’t been shit-canned, too. He is a runner, and I always wanted to tell him this joke, but it seemed a little inappropriate for the office.

A guy is out jogging very early one morning when he realizes he has to take a dump. He looks around for a public building, or a gas station, but he’s in a residential neighborhood. He runs for a few more minutes, but the urge just grows stronger. Then he spots a thick cluster of bushes. He considers running on past, but the need is just too great. Stepping behind the shrubbery, he shucks down his shorts and squats.

As he finishes, but before he can pull up his running shorts, the worst happens. An old lady appears beside the bushes and stands there, staring at him without speaking.

Embarrassed, he says, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

The old lady smiles coyly.

“I’ve been a widow for many years. Would you mind,” she blushes, “if I just touch one of your testicles?”

The man is taken aback, but he’s not really in a position to refuse. “Okay.”

Reaching out, she gently cradles his left testicle between her fingers and thumb for a brief moment.

As he starts to pull up his shorts, he realizes she’s still staring fixedly at him.

“Would you mind,” she says, blushing even more deeply, “if I touched your other testicle?”

Reluctantly, he agrees and she softly squeezes his right testicle.

By now he’s starting to enjoy himself, so he’s not too upset when, after glancing down in embarrassment, she gazes shyly into his eyes and says, “Would you mind if I just touch both of them at the same time?”

“Sure,” he says. “Go ahead.”

The old lady takes his left testicle in her left hand and his right testicle in her right hand,. Slamming them together with every word, she yells:

“DON’T…EVER…SHIT…IN…MY…YARD…AGAIN!”