Thursday, January 8, 2009

In Memoriam

Michael J. (Mickey) Mouse passed away suddenly late Tuesday night following an unfortunate diving accident.

Rest in peace.

(The ladies at the clinic aren’t thrilled, but they admit it wasn’t cool to have a rodent running all over the clinic, leaving tiny brown gifts everywhere.)

*

So, you’re wondering, how did I know that if you give a mouse a swimming pool with a gang plank attached, he would turn it into an opportunity to meet his maker? Ah, thereby hangs a tale….

I learned this on my first IT job, at a local college, from a guy we’ll call Stan.

Stan was really smart, but I’m not sure how much of the real world he ever heard over the sound of his own drummer. He spent his free time constructing windmills powered by the office ventilation system and sundials that were latitude-adjusted to accurately tell the time on sunny days. On Fridays he would bring in a metal detector and go through the couches in the lobbies, extracting lost change. I believe his lifetime high for one foray was $1.28.

There was also a prankster in the office, we’ll call him Tom. Tom’s practical jokes were both merciless and legendary. He once programmed my phone to automatically forward to the office of the college president. Another time he went out to the parking lot at lunch and moved the car of this guy who was foolish enough to leave his keys lying out, so when it was time to go home the guy freaked out, thinking his car had been stolen. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

Anyway, at some point we noticed that, despite all his tomfoolery, he never played jokes on Stan. One day I asked him why.

“You remember when the Oakwood library had that contest," he said, "to see who could translate the Egyptian hieroglyphics over their entranceway?”

“Sure.” Of course I did – Stan had won that contest.

“Well, Stan figured out the correct translation from this book he had.”

“Okay.”

“Well, a few weeks later I saw he had a book on plutonium bombs.”

I nodded.

“Since then, I don’t fuck with him.”

*
Anyway, one day we discovered a mouse in the computer room. Maintenance set traps, but they came up empty. (Literally – the bait was gone, but the mouse got away.) After a couple of weeks of this, Stan brought in a bucket and taped a wooden ruler to the rim, just like the picture above.

This must have been prior to the hieroglyphics contest, because I remember we all razzed him about it.

Until the next morning, when he quietly disposed of the drowned mouse.

(Which, by the way, is just a gross way to start your day. I don't recommend it. The toilets at the clinic have frequent issues, so I didn't want to give him the goldfish treatment. Turns out I'm not any crazier about dead mice than I am live ones, so I'm standing there shuddering, teeth clenched to keep from screaming, as I use the paint stirrer to keep him from plopping into the john. Ugh.)

23 comments:

  1. I worked with a guy who at one time worked for a pest control company... he knew all sorts of tricks of the trade..

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  2. Good for you. I admire your bravery and your resourcefulness.

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  3. You seem to like old jokes... Mickey Mouse was at the lawyers office seeking a divorce from Minnie... The lawyer tells Mickey; " I've had Minnie thoroughly examined, and you cannot divorce her on the grounds of insanity". Mickey says; "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"!!!

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  4. sounds like things went swimmingly
    proper condolences sent :)
    gp in montana

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  5. I'll have to keep that trick in mind.

    I used to work in an full office of hardcore, good old boy engineers - we also had some strange characters.

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  6. Interesting. Will remember that tale for a time if needed in the far far future.

    Funny how there's always that ONE person everyone knows not to "touch".

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  7. I am not sure what to do right now...laughing so hard...but called my son right away and told him this trick, he has one in his apartment when I was visiting, ran right across the darn kitchen floor in front of me!

    I know what you mean about the guy with his bomb book...my hubby worked with a guy like that, and they all did not mess with him...but I might have to park my hubbies car another spot, and put his key right back, that would be too funny!

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  8. Oh my, I definitely chuckled at that one! Oh, and if I were you, I would have taken the bucket outside, water, dead mouse, and all, and chucked it into the woods (except for the bucket). Maybe you live in a more urban area, but around here, there's always a wood stand somewhere!

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  9. You are my hero. I would rather meet a tiger face to face than a mouse. And that was so funny and so well writen and a great start to my day!! Thank you.

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  10. Ah RIP M Mouse..another fine creature who is only a bad memory:)

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  11. So there was a mouse in the house
    until the spouse in the blouse
    doused the louse?

    TH

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  12. And you think Scratchy is just another pretty face...huh,15 mice and counting this winter, better than any cat I've owned. She's sitting staring at the sink base as we speak, soon I'll hear the squeel as the varmit meets his maker...love living in a 100 year old house in the country...never a dull moment!

    And yes, wouldn't it be nice if we had scratch and sniff flat screens...I'd email ya a list of all my candle and soap scents, then you could let Calgon take you away!

    PS...love the Mickey Mouse joke...laughing out load!!!

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  13. visiting from sits.

    that's a good trick to know!

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  14. I know mice also drown in pitchers of Screwdrivers which were left out on the counter overnight after a big cocktail party given by a delightful young lady who drank too much that night, did not clean up, stumbled around the next morning, picked up the Srewdriver pitcher for a little hair of the dog chug, and somehow stopped herself before it was too late. That mousie was about 90 proof. Poor bastard never knew what hit him. Me? After I came to again I threw the entire soused mouse and pitcher away. Can't look a screwdriver in the face even now.

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  15. Oye.

    We just went to my family cabin, and the mice had tried to take over. It was an ugly battle, but we won. TGF d-con!

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  16. Eeeew. Sounds gross, but I'm currently having a war with a mouse who is eating all my onions (?). How weird is that.
    I'm going to try your trick tonight.

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  17. The only thing I can imagine that is worse than almost imbibing a mouse is drinking one with onion breath.

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  18. I'm sorry, but the Stan story (just in general) is effing hilarious!

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  19. Poor little Mickey! Sorry for the beastie, but what a funny story.

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  20. Stan sounds like a great guy to have around. I wonder what else was lurking inside his head?

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  21. Wow, I once had an issue with a mouse at work. He got stuck in the trap but I wanted so bad to free him. Ughh!! Anyhoo, thank you for the blogby and saying hello. I just got laid off myself on Friday. Good times heh?! :)

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  22. Leave people alone who know about bombs - words to live by.

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