Saturday, February 26, 2011

Life in Nine Dimensions

I took a SAS programming class last week. SAS was invented in 1966 for the purpose of analyzing the data collected by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The language developed proved to be so well suited for statistical processing that it's now used at 50,000 sites worldwide.

During the class, we covered the topic of arrays. Arrays, for those of you who are neither geeks nor mathematicians, are used for processing blocks of related data. For example, if you have sales figures by date and you want to calculate net profit for each quarter, you could write a program that says something like:

Quarter1_Net_Profit = Quarter1_Gross_Sales - Quarter1_Costs
Quarter2_Net_Profit = Quarter2_Gross_Sales - Quarter2_Costs
Quarter3_Net_Profit = Quarter3_Gross-Sales - Quarter3_Costs
Quarter4_Net_Profit = Quarter4_Gross_Sales - Quarter4_Costs

or you could put the data into an array and process it by performing this calculation 4 times, incrementing the value of the subscript (q) with each iteration:

Quarter_Net_Profit(q) = Quarter_Gross_Sales(q)- Quarter_Costs(q)

If you wanted to tally your profits by month within each quarter, you could set up a two-dimensional array:

Quarter_Net_Profit(q,m) = Quarter_Gross_Sales(q,m)- Quarter_Costs(q,m)

The way I've always pictured arrays in my head is like this:


A one-dimensional array is a list of things, like a single column in an Excel spreadsheet.









A two-dimensional array is rows and columns, like the periodic table.





A three-dimensional array is more like library stacks, with rows, columns and depth.





I suppose you could argue that the fourth dimension, which is time, would be that same set of stacks today versus tomorrow versus the day after.


Once you get to a fifth dimension, you're up, up and away from a stoned soul picnic, which, of course, is something else again.



And beyond that, you're into string theory.



Anyway, the class reminded me that I once worked with a woman who wrote a program that contained a nine-dimensional array.

She was building a report on student demographics: how many were freshmen vs. sophomores, male vs. female, black/white/Hispanic/Native American/ Asian/etc. and some other stuff I no longer recall. In total, the info fell into 9 categories.

So she set up an array that looked like this:

Demographics_Count(a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i)

where "a" was either a 1 (freshman) or 2 (sophomore),
and "b" was either a 1 (male) or 2 (female),
and "c" was 1-6, for whatever race,
and you get the picture.

And while it makes perfect sense to me that if you set all the subscripts to the appropriate values and increment the Demographics_Count by 1, you'll wind up with exactly what you need, my brain cramps when I try to picture it.

Apparently it did the same thing to her, because soon after she left programming to become a meter-reader for the local electric company. There, she had all kinds of interesting adventures like:
a) Getting locked in the basement by four guys playing poker (scary, but they did let her out when she yelled)
b) Happening on a naked woman tied to a bed (yeah, it takes all kinds)
c) Having her calf ripped open by a German Shepherd

The last time I ran into her, she was working as a waitress in a steakhouse.

I'd love to know where she is and what she's doing today, because this was a woman who lived life in many dimensions.

How about you? How many dimensions are there to your life?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Thought Food: Carol Matthau


"There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you."


Carol Matthau was the real-life model for Holly Golightly, the main character in Truman Capote's novella, Breakfast at Tiffany's, later made into a movie with Audrey Hepburn.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Something WICked This Way Comes

So, after spending like a Disneyland tourist with a shiny new credit card for the past ten years, Congress finally thinks it's time to put the plastic back in its pocket. And where would the GOP, who now control the House, like to make billions of dollars in cuts? a) In Social Security/Medicare/Medicaid, which is ~45% of the budget and growing like kudzu? b) In Defense, which is ~30% of the budget and, oh by the way, contains a boatload of pork, including several projects the Defense Department says it doesn't want or need? or c) In domestic discretionary, which is ~12% of the budget? If you guessed C, you win. Here is the list of proposed cuts, in millions, compared to President Obama’s FY11 budget request which was never enacted (source: NationalJournal.com, groupings are mine): Arts and Humanities $12 · National Endowment for the Arts $6 · National Endowment for the Humanities $6 Energy $3,749 · Clean Coal Technology $18 · DOE Loan Guarantee Authority $1,400 · Electricity Delivery and Energy Reliability $49 · Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy $899 · Energy Information Administration $34 · Fossil Energy Research $31 · Nuclear Energy $169 · Office of Science under the Energy and water spending bill - $1,100 · Power Marketing Administrations - $52 · Strategic Petroleum Reserve - $15 Agriculture $684 · Agriculture University Research - $246 · Farm Service Agency - $201 · Rural Development Programs $237 Health $3,661 · CDC - $755 · Community Health Centers - $1,300 · FDA - $220 · Food Safety and Inspection Services - (FY10) $53 · Maternal and Child Health Block Grants - $210 · NIH - $1,000 · Poison Control Centers - $27 · Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services - $96 Law Enforcement $1,149 · COPS - $600 · FBI - $74 · Juvenile Justice - $2.30 · Law Enforcement Wireless Communications - $52 · Legal Services Corporation - $75 · National Drug Intelligence Center - $11 · Office of National Drug Control Policy - $69 · State and Local Law Enforcement Assistance - $256 · US Marshals Service - $10 Revenue & Treasury $1,606 · Department of Treasury - $675 · Internal Revenue Service - $593 · Treasury Forfeiture Fund - $338 Environment & Natural Resources $2,612 . Flood Control and Coastal Emergencies - $30 · Clean Water State Revolving Fund - $700 · Drinking Water State Revolving Fund - $250 · EPA - $1,600 · EPA Brownfields - $48 · EPA Cap and Trade Technical Assistance - $5 · EPA ENERGY STAR - $7.40 · EPA GHG Reporting Registry - $9 · EPA State and Local Air Quality anagement - $25 · Fish and Wildlife Service - $72 · Forest Service - $38 · Land and Water Conservation Fund - $348 · National Ocean and Atmospheric Association - $336 · National Park Service - $51 · Natural Resource Conservation Service - $46 · US Geological Survey - $27 Social Services $1,982 · Community Services Block Grant - $405 · Economic Development Assistance - $16 · Family Planning - $327 · HUD Community Development Fund - $530 · International Food Aid grants - $544 · Job Training Programs - $2,000 · LIHEAP Contingency fund - $400 · Minority Business Development Agency - $2 · WIC - $758 Transportation $1,837 · Amtrak - $224 · FAA Next Gen - $234 · High Speed Rail - $1,000 · NASA - $379 Miscellaneous $2,145 · International Trade Administration - $93 · National Archives and Record Service - $20 · National Institute of Standards and Technology - $186 · NSF - $139 · Smithsonian - $7.30 · GSA Federal Buildings Fund - $1,700 Paul Krugman, Nobel prize-winning economist and columnist for the New York Times, described the above as eating the future, but I'll go him one better. The decision to de-fund WIC, the program that pays for infant formula and nutritious food to pregnant women, nursing mothers, infants and small children is more like eating our young.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Democracy, American Style


Every once in a while, something happens to remind me why America, as screwed up as we are politically, is fundamentally a cool place. Watching Egypt fight, over the past few weeks, to obtain the democracy we take for granted was one of them.

Two hundred and thirty-five years ago, we fought that same battle. It took us, not eighteen days, but six years to accomplish the goal. Perhaps it was because we had to work so hard to earn our democracy that we esteem it so highly.

To my mind, though, the thing that sets America apart from a lot of other attempts at democracy didn't occur until 1792. That was when George Washington, who could have hung onto power with the same python grip Hosni Mubarak has exerted over the past thirty years, chose to walk away, to return to being a farmer, to let someone else have a turn.

It is when I see the evil men do to gain and hold power that I'm truly awed at what the founders of the country managed to accomplish. Think about some of the dictators we've seen:

  • Fidel Castro, Cuba, death toll: 15,000 to 17,000

  • Edi Amin, Uganda, death toll: 100,000 to 500,000

  • Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe, death toll: 20,000+

  • Teodoro Obiang, Equatorial Guinea, death toll: unknown, bank account: $600MM

The reason I chose these four, out of the dozens from the last century, is that each of them took over from another dictator, took power swearing they would not repeat the mistakes of the last ruler, that they would institute democracy and let their people have a choice.

And each was, inevitably, seduced by power (or lying their asses off in the first place, but that's a whole different post).

By contrast, we have a government that, every four to eight years, without revolution, without bloodshed, without riots in the streets, transitions from where-we-are-today to where-we-want-to-be-tomorrow.

So check us out, Egypt.

Cause you could do worse.

Monday, February 7, 2011

No, It's NOT the Truth

I received this email the other day and decided to respond to it here. Ain't it the truth... HIGH SCHOOL 1957 vs. 2010 Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. They head back into the school, leaving the gun completely unattended. It may or may not be there when Jack returns, because people stole stuff, even in the 1950's. 2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies, at least for the time being. Over the years, though, their enmity simmers and eventually Johnny boinks Mark’s wife (who was the subject of the fight in the first place) and destroys his family in revenge. 2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. However, his underlying attention-deficit problems remain unresolved and he doesn’t master the material and grows up semi-literate. 2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. The good news: he at least learned to freaking read. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman who derives intense pleasure from beating his own children. The cycle is repeated through the next four or five generations. 2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock. Many years later, they meet up again in the cancer ward, still sharing the same drugs. 2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college, but still winds up cutting grass because he’s a spic and who’s going to hire a spic for a real job? 2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. Johnny finds this so enjoyable he next shoves a firecracker up a cat’s ass. To this day, it's not safe to leave your pets unattended in Johnny's neighborhood. 2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. The next time he falls down, it’s on a basketball court. The basketball coach comforts him with a blow job. 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become if we really believe things were better in 1957!!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Age of Athena

On Friday night, when I washed my face and put on moisturizer just before I went to bed, everything looked much as it had for the past few years. Same 237 wrinkles, 15 freckles and 6 white eyebrow hairs. Jeanne's Face: Population 258. The next morning when I repeated the process, in preparation for putting on makeup, there was a new girl in town. An age spot. At the corner of my lip. I have named her "Athena," because like the goddess, she sprang from my head, fully formed. It's right at the location where Cindy Crawford sports that little beauty mark that looks so sexy. This little spot is anything but. I have long believed that people who drop bundles on Botox injections and chemical peels would be better off spending their money on therapy (Raisin Rule #12), to get used to the fact that they're going to get old. But, looking in the mirror this morning, I may have to rethink my position.

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