5 New Rules

1) If you're a vegetarian and, in addition to the dietary restrictions that imposes, there is a long list of foods you don't eat because you don't like the way they taste, or the way they smell, or their texture, or whatever, you're no longer a vegetarian, you're just a picky-ass eater. 2) If your child has come out of diapers within the last 72 hours, you may not refer to her as "potty-trained." At that point, she is merely peeing through panties rather than into a diaper. 3) If you want to attract new readers to your blog, don't visit their blog and leave comments like, "Great Blog!!!!" in response to their post on the untimely death of a loved one. 4) If you own one of those yappy-ass little hairballs that passes for a dog in some circles, when you take it to the park and you pass the nice lady with two large, actual dogs on a tandem leash, do NOT let your little rat-bait lunge at the big dogs. Even though you've spoiled "Baby" to believe he's alpha dog of the universe, he only owns that role inside your four walls. Out in the real world, although my dogs are pretty laid-back when it comes to uppitiness from dustmops-on-paws, I can't promise one of those actual dogs won't snap its silly neck. 5) People's interest in/judgment of the sex lives of others is inversely proportional to their satisfaction with their own. Whenever I see someone condeming gays, or actors, or whoever, I think to myself, "There is someone who is not having a good time in the sack." Or being one.