Monday, September 6, 2010

5 New Rules


1) If you're a vegetarian and, in addition to the dietary restrictions that imposes, there is a long list of foods you don't eat because you don't like the way they taste, or the way they smell, or their texture, or whatever, you're no longer a vegetarian, you're just a picky-ass eater.

2) If your child has come out of diapers within the last 72 hours, you may not refer to her as "potty-trained." At that point, she is merely peeing through panties rather than into a diaper.

3) If you want to attract new readers to your blog, don't visit their blog and leave comments like, "Great Blog!!!!" in response to their post on the untimely death of a loved one.

4) If you own one of those yappy-ass little hairballs that passes for a dog in some circles, when you take it to the park and you pass the nice lady with two large, actual dogs on a tandem leash, do NOT let your little rat-bait lunge at the big dogs. Even though you've spoiled "Baby" to believe he's alpha dog of the universe, he only owns that role inside your four walls. Out in the real world, although my dogs are pretty laid-back when it comes to uppitiness from dustmops-on-paws, I can't promise one of those actual dogs won't snap its silly neck.

5) People's interest in/judgment of the sex lives of others is inversely proportional to their satisfaction with their own. Whenever I see someone condeming gays, or actors, or whoever, I think to myself, "There is someone who is not having a good time in the sack."

Or being one.

17 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Excellent rules, all of them. I hate people who bring Fifi to the off leash park and expect my dogs not to go near her. They are just sniffing, and that is what dogs do.

Chef E said...

Excellent is understated- F'ing Yes!

kyknoord said...

I've tried to explain to people that I'm a picky-ass eater, but they seem determined to dump me in the "vegetarian" category.

A Mom on Spin said...

Nice Blog!

whoops. . . did I say something wrong????

Maggie May said...

haha!!! thank you Jeanne!!! this is awesomely funny:))) ha!

Jeanie said...

I have thought you were wise for a long time, but you have totally confirmed it for me today.

Poindexter said...

OK, I promise, I just can't resist...great post!! Oops, I meant great blog!

Chris said...

I can't decide which of those was the best, which is a sure-fire sign that they were all outstanding.

Frogs in my formula said...

Fabulous rules. I don't have dogs, big or small, but my favorite was #4. Our street is infested with yappy-ass hairballs. That's not a bark; it's a squeak. Hello.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hi Jeanne, I am not a vegetarian..but I am a picky ass eater anyway..for goodness sakes I am old and my digestive tract gets upset easily:)

Boonie S said...

Number 3 made me laugh so much that the tears ran down my leg.
Number 5 is oh so true – not that I’d know of course….

All the best, Boonie

Everyday Goddess said...

i think i know someone who abuses all five rules! well, they don't have a blog, so i guess that one is out.

Sonia said...

Awesome rules and #1 so accurately describes my father in law, it makes me feel like you know him in reality!

Steven G said...

Hear ye, hear ye, rescurers and real dog lovers!

We've had dogs, German Short hair Pointer, Westie, Beagle. These days when we walk in the park, we are so tired of yuppies with poopers. What is a "pooper"?

A pooper is a big dog that poops on our walking trail, and is so often forgiven by their owners who don't care about what non pooper owners feel. Obviously, they don't like to carry Max's poop around in a grocery bag.

Do you walk Big Max without a bag?

anymommy said...

Perfect. I love your rules. I particularly like the potty training one and it's one of the reasons that I don't potty train my kids until their ten. Kidding. Kind of.

SuziCate said...

Love this...esp. #2 hit home. Acquaintance claims after day one of potty training that her child is trained...yeah, right! Same people who say she talks well "dit dit dit dur dur" - they say means "I love you" ...where the heck they get that I don't know!

Rachel Cotterill said...

True, true. I've been vegetarian since I was a toddler and I've recently developed a mushroom allergy - which is gutting, because "I may be vegetarian but I'm less picky than you" has got me out of a lot of arguments in the past....

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