Monday, July 27, 2009

How Old Is That in Dog Years?

Today is Old Dog's 55th birthday. As you may remember, I passed this milestone back in February, making him 5 and 1/2 months younger than me, a fact of which he frequently reminds me. I'm okay with that, since he looks several years older (due, he says, to raising 5 teenagers), a fact of which I frequently remind him.

Several people have asked me why I call my beloved "Old Dog," so I thought I'd re-publish the original post in which he was christened.

Bedtime Story

After 11 blissful years of marriage, my husband and I are having troubles in bed. I refer, of course, to the two issues that confront every couple – snoring and blanket allocation.

The first time I ever saw Bill doze, I noticed that he had the most adorable little – it wasn’t even a snore, really, more like a tiny, soft catch in the back of his throat followed by an even softer expulsion of air. His face, relaxed from the cares of the day, looked so peaceful, his dark eyelashes lying in crescents on his cheeks, his chiseled lips appearing to smile, even in slumber.

Apparently, even sleep has a courtship phase, because the guy I lie beside now sucks in great a swallow of air, gargles it somewhere between his nose and his throat and then expels it with an eruption guaranteed to jar the soundest sleeper from her beauty rest.

Even more annoying is the conversation this spawns.

“Bill,” I say, “You’re snoring.”

“What?” He draws another raucous breath.

“Snoring,” I repeat. “You’re snoring. Turn over.”

“What?”

“Turn over.” I give his shoulder a shove.

“What?”

I think briefly about holding a pillow over his face – not long enough to do any real harm, just enough to break the cycle, but decide that’s a slippery slope best not trodden upon. (Lest you think I’m unique, you should know that, in an unscientific survey, 75% of married women polled confessed to thinking about holding a pillow over their husband’s snoring face on one or more occasions.)

Instead, I shout, “YOU’RE SNORING! ROLL OVER!”

With a miffed sound, he turns onto his side and sinks effortlessly back into slumber while I lie awake, fuming.

The second issue is blanket sharing.

Like most women, I am married to a creature whose body mass exceeds my own. Theoretically, this should give him a real advantage in acquiring a solid share of the blankets at night. However, due to the fact that I was raised in a family of seven children and shared a bed from the time I left my crib until I left for college, while he had only a single sister, I am more skilled at “tuck and roll” than he.

At least, this used to be true. For the first ten winters of our marriage, he complained that he froze while I transformed myself into a human jelly roll with the covers.

Lately, though, I notice he’s figured out the trick, and our nightly struggles for the blankets would make a WWF match look like kindergartners jostling at nap time.

I still adore him, though, and out of this, have only one question:

If you were going to learn a new trick, old dog, why couldn’t it be “roll over”?

22 comments:

FrankandMary said...

I usually just call mine OLD but working the Dog in there does give it a nice ring. ~Mary

Fortune Cookies said...

Two things. First, The Wifester is three years younger than me. 'Till the day I die, I will question my sanity at ever letting a character such as her know that she had the age advantage.
And secondly, in my house we call it the burrito roll, but it's the same concept, and The Wifester is the champ at it, too, hailing from Cleveland, OH where it's six hundred below freezing all winter. I'm a Southern Girl, I'm more skilled at throwing the covers in the floor in a dire attempt to cool off than wrapping up in them for warmth and protection. But by morning, Wifester is a 5'5 bambino, all swaddled up like a human burrito. I win the snoring competitions, though, hands down.

SkylersDad said...

This was wonderful, my wife and I don't battle over the covers, because I am always much warmer than her and willingly give them up!

Comedy Goddess said...

That is very cute!

I thought all married people sleep in separate twin beds, you know, like Lucy and Ricky.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Happy Birthday Old Dog! ;)

I'm lovin' these comments! SkylersDad can sleep with me anytime! What a sweetie!

Madtexter said...

I. Am. A. Snorer. But don't tell my partner. I won't admit to it. Sometimes, I try the Breathe Right strips to quell my lip flapping, but this past Saturday I awoke to a Breathe Right strip stuck to my left eyebrow. Somehow during the night it migrated up my face. When I looked in the mirrow in the bathroom and saw it stuck there, all I could think of is only this shit happens to me.

Chef E said...

I told mine if he stops being a 'cover stealer' then I will stop 'snoring'...hell will freeze over...I like that term Fortune Cookies...burrito roll...cute!

Funny, but when we have stayed with twin beds, we do not push them together, we share one, I got a funny look from a B&B owner once for that one...if it works...

Frogs in my formula said...

Hhahahaa. The whole post had me laughing out loud. My husband snores but he'll roll right over if I poke him.

Happy birthday Old Dog.

Maggie May said...

Happy Birthday Dog

Renee said...

kisses and hugs xxxooo

Steven G said...

Happy BD Dog.

You must be a gentleman, indeed, or I'm sure we would somehow catch a few inklings of the author's sleeping habits.

At our humble abode, we are fortunate to have a guest room for desparate occasions, and since the Cardinals rise at 5:30 AM on the nose (or beak)....I have a supply of orange earplugs that are priceless.

Nice blog today!

This afternoon, I saw a woman pushing a stroller at a Cub Foods. She was wearing a black Hijab. I know she loves Allah and is a faithful servant to her husband and God ( probably in that order), but to me she looked like a slave.

I'll take a loving wife with a low cut top and a Silpada necklace anyday...as long as she's my wife!

s

Ocean Girl said...

Oh love, it is a many splendored things.

Happy birthday Mr Jeanne.

♥ Braja said...

I moved rooms a few years ago :)))
LOVE my space; the old boy loves his; we're as happy as can be :))

buffalodick said...

He's younger than you.... Jeanny's got a boy toy, Jeanny's got a boy toy(sung in that annoying voice only kids can do!)

Dedene said...

Happy Birthday to Old Dog! He can't hold your age over you. My DH is 10 years younger than me.

Fer*Cambe said...

"I refer, of course, to the two issues that confront every couple – snoring and blanket allocation."

Classic, I love it!

Kabbalah Rookie said...

Very funny. I am single. I have all of this to look forward to in the future...
I used to live with a guy who snored as loud as roadworks and had sleep apnoea. Strangely enough, the long, painful silences where I was waiting for him to breathe again too a lot longer to get used to than the snoring.
As for the blanket sharing...grrr!!!

Far Side of Fifty said...

Happy Birthday Old Dog! Maybe you should take pitty on the poor guy and buy him his own blanket! I find my hubby's snoring music to my ears, it is the talking and cussing in his sleep that keeps me awake!
Great post, I enjoyed it! :)

ladyfi said...

Hilarious! My husband snores like yours - but even louder!

Michelle said...

I laughed out loud at this one because I swear I was reading a manuscript of my own bedtime adventures (mostly in the snoring department). Except, that most times, when I tell my husband that he's snoring, he says, "No, I'm not." I'm still trying to come up with witty middle-of-the-night responses.

Monica Manning said...

Hilarious! That sounds like our household. Unfortunately, I'm ashamed to say that I'd play the role of Old Dog.

Joanne said...

Ohh Jeanne - I absolutely loved reading this!!!! I can hardly wait to read more of your older posts and follow your daily blog.

I am still in the honeymoon phase of my second marriage -- and LOVED your description of the WWF for the covers every night -- I am the one trying to get them from him though. Right now we are in a heat wave and neither wants the covers - heck we don't even want to sleep together -- which is NOT like us.

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