The Naked Man

Monday night, while I was diligently banging away on my novel, Old Dog watched “How I Met Your Mother.” The episode centered on a scheme for getting laid: the Naked Man. According to one of the male characters, 2 out of 3 times, if you wait until your date/hostess is out of the room and remove all your clothes, when she returns she will have sex with you.

Old Dog told me about it later, on the assumption that it was a premise created for this TV show. But I know that the Naked Man is a real-life tactic, because I know two women who’ve encountered it.

The first was a recently-divorced woman in her early thirties. Following a very nice first date, she invited a man to her apartment for dinner. It was after the meal, while she was putting her five-year-old daughter to bed, that he executed the Naked Man. She returned to the living room to find his bare ass ensconced on her couch. After their meeting-of-the-minds shouting match, he asked to use the phone, and she overheard him say, “No, it didn’t work out. Just come pick me up. I’ll tell you about it later.”

This guy not only pulled the Naked Man ploy, he also went for the “I-have-to-sleep-over-because-I-don’t-have-a-ride” trick.

But it was the second incident that showed me that the Naked Man respects neither age nor experience.

My friend, Janet, is one of the world’s most inherently attractive women. Janet is to men what Mozart was to music. When I lived in Minnesota, she taught me the few flirting skills I’ve ever learned: the Dodge, the Sidestep, the Change-the-Subject-Giggle.

Later, at my bachelorette party, where my guests ranged from Janet, in her 50’s, to my daughter and her friends (mid-20’s), a group of college boys were sitting at the next table. By the end of the evening, this entire table of young men was clustered around Janet, hanging on every word and giggle she uttered.

One evening, Janet returned from the bathroom to find her date, an airline employee, doing the Naked Man in her recliner. She was forced to give him the “I think of you as a friend” talk.

And this is how good she is: a few months later, when a friend’s brother needed an airline ticket, Naked Airline Guy flew to Dayton to escort the brother back to St. Paul so he could cop a free ticket.

Because the Wily Woman kicks the Naked Man’s ass every time.