Sunday, February 22, 2009

5 Evil Things

that I’ve done to people over the years (but only for good reasons).

1) Pretended to be dead of carbon monoxide poisoning when Mr. Right Now came back out of the store where he’d gone to run an errand. (Deserved, as he left me in an idling car after warning me he thought it was filling the cabin with carbon monoxide.)

2) Showed my four-year-old daughter pictures of our dog as a puppy and told her they were her baby pictures and that she was going to grow up to be a dog. (The good reason for this one is that 19 is far too young to have kids. Children need to reared by adults, not other children.)

3) Emptied a jug of ice water over the shower rail onto Mr. Right Now while he was relaxing in a hot shower. (Also deserved, because when we later broke up, and I told him his mom was worried that he’d live in squalor without me to take care of him he said, “Why would she worry about that? I assume I’ll be dating.” Took me a full minute to realize he meant that if he was dating, his girlfriend would clean his apartment for him.)

4) Told my little sister that her freckles looked like someone dabbed shit on her face with a paintbrush. (Also deserved, as my parents made me let her tag along everywhere after me when I was in high school ) (Okay, maybe not really deserved, but, believe me, I’ve paid for it. She brings it up at least 2 or 3 times a year, usually in front of someone I’ve just met.)

5) Coerced Old Dog into playing Charades with a crowd of his friends. This may not sound evil, and, in fact, I didn’t realize it was at the time, but he’s so shy that this actually made him physically sick. (So the real evil thing is probably blogging about this, but, in truth, haven't we all been guilty of that?)

17 comments:

Rachel Cotterill said...

Just leave us freckly girls alone! Freckles are great :)

buffalodick said...

If that's the worst you've done, you should be up for sainthood!

Jeanne said...

R -- her freckles are adorable -- but she really WASN'T! I was just being mean -- as adolescent girls will.

B -- not even close. These are just the ones I'm willing to share.

Jan said...

Everyone around us is fair game for blogging about right? Pretty soon no one will want to be around us! Also on that note, my youngest daughter asked how she could find my blog. And the next day asked me, "What did you mean about someone clipping your car at lunchtime?" Guess she is a lurker now.

buffalodick said...

That's sort of what I thought.. you lived too much life not to have broken the law a few times!

Chef E said...

I was the one with freckles too, but my little sister (3 yrs young) always had to go with me everywhere and dated many of the guys I did too, hmmmmmm, I also have done many of the things you listed...

Lyndsay said...

LOL! I'm sort of stuck on the dog picture one ... I mean, really? :)

Coffee with Cathy said...

You are so brave to come clean and admit all this. Also: Very funny!

Belle said...

I'm so going to steal this 5 -thing thing from you!

rachael said...

Oh god too funny, I love 1 and 2 especially! LOL, I must admit I tease my kids once in a while too, and I am nearly 40 so I have no 'youth" excuses to fall back on....

Chris said...

Jumped over here from Motherhood in NYC to say that #2 is hysterical!! I wish I had thought of that!!

SparkleFarkle said...

*passes tray of shot-glassed cathartics to those visiting Jeanne's blog, then offers one to Jeanne in case there's any more personal bean-splilling yet to come to the surface for her* Don't mind if I do. *throws back a shot and coughs up the results*: My mother has these little "rituals" that she performs in order to secure her perfect day. She also this nasty habit of un-securing mine (perfect days, or ANY, for that matter). When I'm at her house and she is getting on my Farkled last nerve, I retreat to the bathroom, take her nightgown and robe from their assigned-and-never-to-be-hung-anywhere-else-but-there hook and carefully re-hang them on the hook that is meant to be left empty. Days later, Mom will inevitably call and tell me how she somehow colored outside the lines with her robe and nightgown again. Somehow, I feel this evil gesture of mine to be sickly rewarding. Is this the part where I get struck by a bolt of lightening?

Michelle said...

Those are evil! Great list!

Chaka said...

You are brave to admit such evil things. I just pretend the bad things I have done never happened or were just a dream.

CDB said...

Since I've seen it multiple times, I'm starting to realize that #4 is true..

K said...

Not that bad. If that's the worst you're doing pretty good.

Lilly's Life said...

He he, you absolute mean woman you. Then again, if they are the most evil things you have done you need to try a whole lot harder. There is still plenty of time, he he. You are such a clever writer.

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