When I was in high school, I was so thin that there was a rumor I had graduated from Auschwitz Elementary. In those days of mini-skirts, I was subjected to such taunts as, “Jeanne, you have a string hanging from your skirt. Oh, wait, that’s your leg!” and “Jeanne, can I borrow one of your toothpicks? Oh, I guess they’re attached.”
Now that I’m older and chubbier, I find it hard to get too excited about staying thin. Which is why, today, we’re going to celebrate cellulite.
Following is a list of useful things you can do with your dimpled thighs:
1) Provide a visual for describing your metal roof after the hail-storm.
2) Wrap them in aluminum foil and make a handy cheese grater.
3) Demonstrate to your grandchildren what a golf-ball would look like magnified 300x.
4) Enter a “Best Dimples” competition in the “Most” category.
5) Plant an American flag and a tiny space capsule and allow your sixth-grader to photograph as a moonscape for her science project.
6) Two words: bubble wrap
7) Show your daughter-in-law what mashed potatoes are NOT supposed to look like.
8) Use as a temporary egg carton.
9) Create a topographical map of Tennessee to show where your cabin is located.
And, finally: (this may require exposing some cheek for contrast)
10) Explain the difference between large and small curd cottage cheese.