Thursday, January 28, 2010

My Little Town: Beer Can Robbery

From the city that gave you:
o Death threats from the mayor
o Lap dances for the city manager
o Shoplifting arrest of the police chief's wife and
o An 18-hour standoff by the SWAT team with a parrot

The Raisin Chronicles is proud to bring you the Riversider who robs a convenience store using only beer can as a weapon!

On Tuesday, a man got a can of beer from a convenience store cooler here and then apparently tried to rob the store clerk by threatening to brain him with the beer can.

The clerk's brother came out from the back and wrestled with the man, who ran out to the parking lot to his waiting SUV--the one with the clearly visible license plate.

My question: Does threatening someone with a beer can constitute armed robbery?


  1. Did he get away with it?
    I think it's assault with stupidity.
    Maybe the clerk was supposed to laugh himself to the floor.
    Did he use pretzels as a diversion?

  2. Every city has their loonies! I like Gregory's charge of assault with stupidity!

  3. >>"My question: Does threatening someone with a beer can constitute armed robbery?"<<

    Oh, I suppose a beer can is okay to threaten someone with.

    But you need a beer bottle for the actual robbery. :-)

  4. Very have to appreciate those folks that keep the news in your town interesting.

  5. I don't think it constitutes armed robbery, more so than it constitutes 'assualt with a deadly dumbass'.

  6. LMAO, I cannot top some of these comments, but maybe somewhere in the law there is something about threatening bodily harm, and I know a few people who do beat themselves to death by bear, empty at best!

  7. It depends on whether or not it was a tall boy...

  8. chalk up another story on news of the weird. there is an infinite supply. :)

  9. A can of beer?

    At least grab a hammer or something a bit harder.

    Since I live in DC I can't really make too many cracks about anybody else's town.

  10. Wow, that's quite a list of accomplishments for your town! Back when I used to watch Leno, he loved making fun of stupid criminals. This guy qualifies.

  11. What is this city again?

    SUV, sounds like a crazy rich person.

  12. well if it was a condiment and a nine volt it would have been a-salt and battery!

  13. on another note:

    The Worst Analogies
    Ever Written in a High School Essay

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

    Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


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