Friday, July 10, 2009

Fiction Friday: Blogging, The Musical and Prompt IX

Cast of Characters

Jessica Wanton -- A former stripper in search of herself
Rev. Judgment -- An evangelical minister in search of a sinner
Chef Chuck -- A 36-year-old single Dad with a cooking blog
Sous Chef Chucky -- His teenaged son
If Mama Ain’t Happy -- A 29-year-old mother of toddlers with a mommy blog
Bed, Breakfast & Beyond -- A 45-year-old owner of a WWII army barracks she’s converted into a B&B

Act I

Jessica Wanton has tried many careers – stripper, artists’ model, lifeguard at a nude beach, body double for a porno star, but they’ve all left her hungry to share more of herself with the world. (If I Only Had a Blog)

One day, while cruising the internet, checking for copyright infringements, she comes across the web diary of If Mama Ain’t Happy, a young mother living with the pain of breast feeding with inverted nipples. (Hakuna MaTaTa’s)

From there, she links to the angst-filled blog of Chef Chuck, a widowed dad who fills his time and his need for creativity by cooking gorgeous, high-calorie meals and posting photographs of them, then whining about how much more he’d be appreciated if he were a woman (If I Were a Bitch, Man).

Next she stumbles across the musings of Bed, Breakfast and Beyond, an interior designer living in a WWII army barracks converted into a bed-and-breakfast by painting it to look like a huge loaf of sourdough bread. This woman shares the travails of dealing with 2-day guests who steal her towels but leave used condoms between the sheets. (WTF U SOB)

And, suddenly, Jessica realizes that this is what she’s been looking for: a chance to share her deepest self with an entire world of strangers. (Wrapping My Legs Around a Post)

Act II

After a couple of weeks of preparation (HTML Hell), Wanton World goes live. Unfortunately, Jessica’s initial post, about her experience with breast enlargement surgery (Breast Size Story), complete with before and after pictures, draws the attention of Reverend Judgment, who leaves her scorching comments (If Ever I Would Flame You).

Jessica’s initial defiance (Can You Feel the Spam Tonight?) quickly turns to dejection (Blue Blog), but kindly comments from her bloggy buddies, If Mama Ain’t Happy, Chef Chuck and Bed, Breakfast & Beyond, telling her to ignore the Reverend and calling him “an old warthog,” lift her spirits (I Feel Bloggy). The four of them join in a production number, Blogosphere Bitchin’.

It is during this number that Jessica begins to realize she has feelings for Chef Chuck, and to suspect that he may feel the same way. She is overjoyed that true love may have finally come her way (I Could Have Blogged All Night).

Offline, If Mama Ain’t Happy and Bed, Breakfast & Beyond express their hopes that their buddy, Chef Chuck, may have finally met a new mom for his teenage son, Sous Chef Chucky (Pagemaker, Pagemaker).

For her next post, Jessica discusses the pros and cons of sexting. (I Love It When You Text Dirty). Reverend Judgment is furious, and his posse of bloggers join him in condemning her (Comment Whore), but Jessica responds defiantly (I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hairs).

This time, though, her new-found friends side with the Reverend (Sorry, Honey, But Your Post is Too Long/ So Wrong). Although she initially remains defiant (Suck My Mouse), after an email conversation with Chef Chuck where she pleads for understanding (Take Me As I Blog), and he remains adamant (You’ve Turned My Hard Drive Into a Floppy) she realizes that not only is everyone against her, but her openness has destroyed her chance at love.

Giving way to depression (Blue Blog - Reprise), Jessica realizes that her quest to truly express her deepest feelings has failed and she closes down Wanton’s World, vowing never to post again.


A week later, Chef Chuck, exhausted, unshaven, and suffering from twin cases of eyestrain and tennis elbow, admits his feelings for Jessica. (I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Facebook).

As Jessica once again scouts for pirated photos of her private parts on the internet, she finds a cache of photos with a startlingly high hit rate – all coming from the same IP address.

Using an IP tracing utility (Take Me to Your Sidebar), Jessica discovers that it is Chef Chuck who has been looking at her pictures. When she confronts him (Tweet Me, Baby, (All Night Long)), he is forced to admit his feelings and to beg for forgiveness (Baby, Let Me Look Up Your Templates).

After some initial resistance, Jessica accepts his apology and admits that she feels the same way (Drag and Drop My Love on Your Post).

If Mama Ain’t Happy and Bed, Breakfast & Beyond, who feel terrible that their harsh comments drove Jessica from the Blogosphere, are thrilled to learn that she and Chef Chuck are to marry (Beauty and the Breast).

The play ends with Jessica and Chef Chuck making wedding plans while, in the privacy of his bedroom, Sous-Chef Chucky Googles images of his stepmom-to-be.

The End

Thanks to everyone for all your great song titles! I had a lot of fun with this.

Next Week's Prompt
His five-day run on Jeopardy! changed Elwood Merkle's life forever.


  1. Jeanne!!!! Am finally I'm able to comment after 3 wks of not being able to!

    Actually now that I think of it, there are many who won't be happy about that....

    Wait...did you notice??

  2. That was great...I think you are a funny!

  3. Reviews just in.....

    "Good old time knee slappin' fun" - The New Yorker

    "Over the top naughtiness with an upscale twist! - Boston Globe

    "Move over, Chorus Line!" - NY Post

    "It's, like wild, crazy, outrageous" - Tarantino

    "Where do we get tickets?" - The White House

    "This playwright Jeannie means business!" - Wall Street Journal

    "Couldn't stop laughing!" - San Quentin Mens Chorus

    "I like the word Ta-tas" - Andy Rooney

  4. I'd watch it.

    My personal favorite is "wrapping my legs around a post".

  5. You are a talented, witty person- by all accounts! We are very different, and I like that a lot! Do your stuff, and I will watch...usually with a smile!

  6. This is perfect! I am really impressed, and can't single out a favorite part because I love all of it.

  7. Oh Jeanne, you were not kidding when you said what you said to me! LMAO, and might not be able to stop, those song titles were hysterical! I wish I were a bitch, man...oh my my what I could do with that part of your musical...can you imagine the two of us together in a room? I could, and it would make my day...

  8. Oh, and the talent you have is wonderful! I could do the photo shoot for opening night...strike a pose dear!

  9. You totally crack me up Jeanne.


  10. Are you sure this is fiction???

  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

  12. Sorry.. I can't spell worth anything tonight!
    Oh I loved it, all brilliant titles for the songs in the musical! You all did great..Bravo put it all together wonderfully! Take another bow! :)

  13. It seems funny, any real blogs in that or all songs?

    What does it mean "sexting" ?

    ps I use a variant of Firefox, the Flock, which lets me to drag and drop photos from my flickr account, but I do sometimes try out how they look (my blogs) also on IE and Safari.

    My problem is I cannot get rid of a popup, that covers in the blog the left side: does it come up when you visit me?

  14. That was just genius!! I'm happy to say I got most of the song titles and it was just too too funny!! You excel at humor as good as you do other genres!!

  15. That was as good as I thought it would be! Very clever idea:)

  16. Are you saying that the original story wasn't called Beauty and the Breast?

  17. I am impressed. Really and completely!

  18. Fabulous!

    And love the name Jessica Wanton - inspired.

    :-D Anna

  19. okay, why does Jessica have to be the stripper? i've worked my whole life to stay off the pole.

  20. NOW

    His five day run on Jeopardy! changed Elwood Merkles life forever. The answer, "EMP" triggered an emotionless response from China’s seven billion dollar prototype robot to announce, “What is Electromagnetic Pulse, Asshole,?”

    Alex Trebek had grown to like Elwood, but was stunned by the response. Elwood’s eyes turned dead.
    Elwood stood motionless as the studio crew shivered in fear.
    “Who are you?’ begged Alex.
    LWD MRKL. I am programmed to Listen, Withhold Determent, Manage Response, and KL.
    Alex weakly asked Elwood, “What is KL?”
    Elwood replied., “KL is KILL.”
    Alex cried out, “KILL WHO??
    Elwood said, “You.”

  21. Sigh. Jessica's journey reminds me so much of my own...

  22. This is hilarious. You are a one woman show! We all just sit back and you entertain. And I liked Steven G's comments the best.


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