Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Washing Machine Mayhem

November 12, 2008

Maytag Customer Service
553 Benson Road
Benton Harbor, MI 49022

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to let you know of my intent to file suit against your company in regard to product number QAT9719, a Maytag washer, which I purchased in March, 1997.

This appliance has been reliable, cleaning an average of 6.5 loads of laundry per week with good results. In this you have certainly conformed to the warranty.

However, for the past several years, beginning around October 31st and lasting through the end of December, your washer has reduced the dimensions of my jeans and twill pants. Although I am careful to use the cold water setting, and then to hang dry my garments, they consistently shrink a full size or more in the late fall and early winter.

I have tried to locate the source of this problem, but have been unable to isolate root cause. I have, however, been successful in identifying one factor that occurs when the issue stops: Spandex somehow returns the machine to its normal, pre-Halloween behavior. As soon as I begin tossing workout clothes into machine in January, the problem goes dormant until the following autumn.

As frustrating as this issue has been, there is a newer problem that is even more troubling.

Recently, your machine has begun making alterations to my blouses, also. When purchasing tops, I make it a point to verify that there is a strategically placed button in the area covering my upper torso. This placement prevents gappage and unseemly display.

Over the past year, however, a number of my blouses have exited your washer with this button inexplicably higher. I was initially at a loss to understand what was happening, as, by all measurements, the buttons and button-holes appeared to be evenly spaced across the platen, just as they were when they entered the machine.

It was then that I made the connection. For the past eleven years, I’ve dealt with your washer’s little trick of sending a single sock (always one from a pair, never both) off to an alternate dimension until I give up and dispose of its mate. Then, just as mysteriously, the original sock is returned. A machine that has control over the entire sock anti-universe is clearly capable of adjusting a button in a manner impossible to detect.

I realize that any attempt to bring suit on this issue will no doubt result in prompt dismissal by any male judge, who, never having dealt with these machines, would find my story difficult to believe. If, however, the luck of the draw awards me a female judge, I will almost certainly win.

Should you be interested in settling this matter out of court, and without the attendant publicity, please feel free to contact me.



  1. This is brilliant. I am still laughing!

  2. Hey, Jeanne! Great blog. I almost fell out of my chair when I read this one!


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