Monday, June 7, 2010

Pantiphobia


No, I'm not afraid of everything. (That's pantOphobia.)

I'm just afraid of underpants. (If you'd like to read about the traumas that made me lingerie-phobic, you can read my three-post series here, here, and here. Or, you can just accept that I'm weird that way and move on.)

So now the season of horror has rolled around once again: it's time to buy new drawers.

I HATE THIS.

After my humiliating experience at Victoria's Secret a few years back (with Old Dog, who's every bit as pantiphobic as I am lurking in outside the store, laughing his ass off) I decided to purchase my undies online. Because however unsafe the internet may be, at least online no one hauls your underpants into your heinie.

(Have you ever wondered what the phrase 'got your ass in a sling' means? I have first person experience with this.)

After spending last week steeling myself for the ordeal, I went out to the VS website this morning, determined to get it over with, only to run into a series of obstacles that left me considering a future as a commando.

Obstacle #1

A keyword search for "granny panties" yielded 0 results. Ditto for "anything that covers all of my ass instead of just a narrow swathe of cheek-meat."

Obstacle #2

A category search under "Cotton" brought back high-leg briefs (as close to granny panties as Vicky purveys, despite having stolen her name from the most prudish monarch in English history (or probably ANY history)) but nothing in white. Only colors so exotic they'd show through any fabric less substantial than 20 oz. denim.

And since I'm not lumberjack by trade, I don't wear armored jeans.

Obstacle #3

After still another search, I finally located white, cotton, cover-your-entire-ass drawers and clicked my purchase--to the tune of $5 a pair! I realize that my concealing my tush now requires a little more fabric than it once did, but it's not like Vicky had to source them from Omar-the-Tentmaker.

On the upside, I've got that nightmare out of the way for another year.

(Warning: Do NOT go out to the website listed on the above picture. Despite their hilarious logo, it appeared to be a porno site. And I don't EVEN want to know what kind of sickos get off on looking at old ladies' lingerie.)

15 comments:

What A Card said...

Hee hee! At the risk of losing out on an amusing story next year, may I recommend Lady Grace? They only have stores in New England, but you can order online, too. They're known for a wide selection of sizes (especially useful for those of us more amply endowed up top than VS recognizes...). I've noticed they carry quite a bit of conservative undies...shouldn't be a problem to find full-coverage drawers :).

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm shocked to find out that you're not a lumberjack. In some ways it is relieving though.

Chef E said...

LMAO! You did a great job with this one, knowing you in person, I can imagine you telling it in person- which I know you would not share that much detail...oh how I feel your pain!

Ocean Girl said...

Too funny Jeanne. And to see you tell it in such a straight face, ties a knot in my belly beyond LMAO.

SkylersDad said...

Just do what I do and quit panties - go commando!!

Jeanie said...

Too funny, but sadly also too true. Finding any panties that fit and feel comfortable is a challenge. Thanks for bringing some humor to the chore.

Pauline said...

Oh, I do so identify with your dilemma. I have to leave my panty shopping till I go home to Australia and visit a shop in a mall which is next to my brother's eye-wear shop. (I usually get the new undies before getting the new glasses, easier that way.) They have a sign in the window that says, "Big ladies bras" that cracks me up. Is that big bras or bras for big ladies? But the owner always recognizes me and says, "Oh, you're D's sister, come this way!" Gotta love it when the purveyor of your underwear knows who you are! And then I can scuttle back to another country!

Steven G said...

Shucks,folks, I'm spleechless.

Debbie said...

Girlfriend, you cracked me up with this one! I know the horrors, all too well, of shopping for undies that cover my assets. I also haven't set foot in a VS in so many years! A thong scared me to death there once and I've never returned.

buffalodick said...

My whitey tighties become a thong the first time I bend over that day...

怡茂恒臻 said...

your english is incredible............................................................

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

hehehe! I love that you thought VS would have granny panties! And, indeed they do!!

Jan said...

Loved this one. Dying to hear how the job is going.

Brian Miller said...

best of luck with your purchases...smiles. i cringe at the thought of frequenter to that site...congrats on the goddess award!

madtexter (corey james) said...

This reminds me of when I was a kid and you know how kids have their silly sayings and all. Well, here's one we used to say: "Your greasy granny has holes in her panties!"

I never imagined VS sold regular underwear (not that I ever looked, mind you).

Admittedly, I have a couple pairs of skimpy undies that I wear under my gym shorts. "Support" is important when you're working out, but whoa nelly - sometimes it feels like my undies are flossing my butt.

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