Monday, June 7, 2010
No, I'm not afraid of everything. (That's pantOphobia.)
I'm just afraid of underpants. (If you'd like to read about the traumas that made me lingerie-phobic, you can read my three-post series here, here, and here. Or, you can just accept that I'm weird that way and move on.)
So now the season of horror has rolled around once again: it's time to buy new drawers.
I HATE THIS.
After my humiliating experience at Victoria's Secret a few years back (with Old Dog, who's every bit as pantiphobic as I am lurking in outside the store, laughing his ass off) I decided to purchase my undies online. Because however unsafe the internet may be, at least online no one hauls your underpants into your heinie.
(Have you ever wondered what the phrase 'got your ass in a sling' means? I have first person experience with this.)
After spending last week steeling myself for the ordeal, I went out to the VS website this morning, determined to get it over with, only to run into a series of obstacles that left me considering a future as a commando.
A keyword search for "granny panties" yielded 0 results. Ditto for "anything that covers all of my ass instead of just a narrow swathe of cheek-meat."
A category search under "Cotton" brought back high-leg briefs (as close to granny panties as Vicky purveys, despite having stolen her name from the most prudish monarch in English history (or probably ANY history)) but nothing in white. Only colors so exotic they'd show through any fabric less substantial than 20 oz. denim.
And since I'm not lumberjack by trade, I don't wear armored jeans.
After still another search, I finally located white, cotton, cover-your-entire-ass drawers and clicked my purchase--to the tune of $5 a pair! I realize that my concealing my tush now requires a little more fabric than it once did, but it's not like Vicky had to source them from Omar-the-Tentmaker.
On the upside, I've got that nightmare out of the way for another year.
(Warning: Do NOT go out to the website listed on the above picture. Despite their hilarious logo, it appeared to be a porno site. And I don't EVEN want to know what kind of sickos get off on looking at old ladies' lingerie.)